The Prodigal Audge

A Bed Broken Within Itself Will Not Stand...

2012-01-15T22:56:00.002-05:00

"Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You"

-Carlos Whittaker, "We Will Worship You"

So, as I lay awake in my bed, which broke today, the lyrics of this song drifted through my head. No. Drifting implies ambivalence...pounded through my head. It was a while before I became aware of them, but when I did, I stopped all other thought and cried. We sang these words in gathered worship this morning...and I tried so hard to sing them from my heart.

Save me Lord, from these comforts. I don't want to live in comfort if it puts me in a state of mind that is numb. I don't want comfort if it makes me useless and makes me stop thinking of ways in which I'm thankful.

And then my bed broke. I was literally just sitting on it, and it fell apart. I'm now sleeping on a mattress on top of a box spring on the floor. It's fine, I mean, I'm not pretending like I'm living in abject poverty. I have so much excess. But at the same time, it seemed like a huge blow on top of buying a new battery for my car a few days ago, and having to wait a week to start work, and spending almost $200 on textbooks this semester. Save me, Lord, from these comforts. Really. But hold me as I break down and cry about losing them.

Break me, Lord, of my need for the familiar things in my life. This is a huge blow to my heart, hearing this. Because I feel like He's taking away all that I know and all that makes me who I am. My friends and family are so far away. Everyone who knows who I am and sort of makes up my identity, who makes up my memories and my world...they are slipping away. On top of that, the fear that I will end up here...so far away from my family, it haunts me. I stay up at night dwelling on it when I should just give it to God. But that's a lot harder than it looks. I am a creature of the familiar. I dwell in a cozy little nest of my favorite things and my little darlings. Well, I used to. Then I moved over 500 miles from my home and everything changed. So I think...I'm beginning to follow this prayer.

Spare me any joy that's not of You, Lord. What does that truly mean? Joys that hold themselves above Your glory? Joys that hold themselves above Your will? Your plan? Your love? I fail miserably at this edict. I hold my little joys close to my chest when You offer me true joy in its purest form and at its highest quality. Why cherish a plastic spoon when you could have a golden scepter? Why? But I do. So often, I do. And I am plagued by the consequences of these choices again and again.

So all this passed through my mind tonight. I took a bath and thought about it. I thought about comfort as I tried to squeeze my 5 foot 9 inch frame into a bathtub the size of a large sink. It got the point across.

Loving, Even Though...

2012-01-15T12:27:00.001-05:00

I am afraid. I admit it. I am so afraid of loving and living when it could all slip away so very quickly. I am so afraid to make friends and cherish them when I might just move away, or worse, they might just move their hearts away from mine. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing on this earth lasts forever. Nothing. And that's where I'm stuck.

Why, why live like I'm dying and make every day the fullest it can be when it might just slip away tomorrow? Tomorrow could hold so much pain. Today might be lovely, but even then...even in its loveliness, it is filled with waiting. Waiting to see if my mother will be cancer free. Waiting to see if the graduate program pans out. Waiting to see if I will find a heart-mate. Waiting to see if my job will last until I'm out of school. Waiting. Waiting until tomorrow, but tomorrow could be a disaster. Tomorrow could bear witness to the the crumbling of all I hold dear. Tomorrow might showcase the death or taking away of everyone I love. Why wait for tomorrow? But what else is there to do when my life consists of waiting?

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. But God and His kingdom. But...that's the reality of what I'm really waiting for. That's the fullness. The fullness of time. And it seems so far away.

My thoughts are a jumble, because on the one hand, waiting is my life, but on the other hand, live for today, for tomorrow you may die. How do I balance the two? How do I find a way to be able to live and love without fear of losing everything? I suppose...that's truly the question.

Ebenezer-Stone of Help

2012-01-04T15:56:00.000-05:00

I went to Bean's Corner Baptist Church on Sunday, the first of the year. My perspective was deeply changed by the sermon presented that day. It was about the Ebenezer, the Stone of Help.

The Israelites had just chosen to follow Samuel as judge, and they had chosen, under his leadership, to follow God once more, and God alone. They went to fight their arch nemeses, the Philistines and defeated them soundly...literally, God used a thundering noise to frighten them and send them into confusion.

This is where the Ebenezer comes in, and where the story really amazes me.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.”

(1 Samuel 7:12 ESV)

Till now. Apparently the words hold a meaning of "this far and still." So God isn't going to just stop helping them, and they also hold a sense of time and space, so until now, and up to this physical point.

So, why does all this matter? Because of the application. Ira blew me away, really he did. He said that God has blessed Beans, and I agree. They are an amazing section of Christ's church on earth, and it inspires me to see them work. But he also said that God has seen them this far, because of His grace and goodness. It was not their doing.

And God has seen me this far, through some horribly painful and wonderful things. I need to raise my Ebenezer. I need to remember how far God has brought me, and how far He will bring me if I stick with Him and allow Him to use me and power me. It's not about how much effort I put into Grad school. It's not about how many A's I get, or how well I do at work. It's about Him. It's about giving Him the glory and living for Him with every breath. And I could do so much better. But it's okay. my God is forgiving, and He will let me keep trying.

Mulled Cider Candle Smell in My Apartment and All Is Well...

2011-12-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

All is well in the House that Audrey built...only I built it over a long time, with all my hopes and dreams, and then it crumbled down to dust. But God will build it back again. And it'll be better than it was when a broken girl built it by herself.

Walking on the ruins

of a disembodied life

flinging bits of nothing

stumbling onto something

All I know is this,

And then it's all wrong

Loss of pain is bliss

in light of agony's siren song

Having all and wanting

the kiss that takes the chill

from my weary body

will never get its fill

Friends and lovers clamor

their calls echo in the night

I wish I had the energy

to put up a valid fight

In the end it happens

It happens every time

the kiss is never offered

My verses lose their rhyme.

Wonder

2011-08-30T11:37:00.000-04:00

I wonder now at who God is. I am constantly amazed by His ability to do what He has promised, but now I just stand in awe at what He has already done.

It's true, I did travel here alone, and that does show faith. Three people have told me this, and now I see that yes, I have a small amount of faith. It is now up to God to increase that faith. I offer up but a small seed. Now move mountains, please, O Lord.

The sun is shining on this world that is wholly new to me. The hurricane has gone away, leaving in its path nothing but a few power outages and some downed trees. It could have been so much worse. In fact, I think my people in Maine got it worse than I did.

School starts on September 12th, and I am ready for it. I am eager to begin this new chapter of my life. I have been warned that this program tears you down, but have also been ensured that it builds you back up. I am not eager for the tearing, but the building will be worth it.

Relocation

2011-08-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

Terrified. That's the first emotion I had when it really sunk in that I would be alone. My parents drove away to visit Gettysburg and then head back to Maine. They had been there for two days helping me move in, and now I was alone, except for Warren, Winston the guard dog (plush) and a plush Apple named Howard. A little disconcerting. Plush people tend to be quiet.

So I started to freak out a little bit. I distracted myself for quite a while by putting my stuff away and organizing my books by genre and how AWESOME they are. But that task could only take me so long. So I cleaned the kitchen. Then I cleaned the bathroom. The I vacuumed. Then I dusted. Then I cried a little. Then I cleaned some more.

I tried to get out of the apartment as much as possible, but really, I don't know that many places to go. I know of the Mall, the College, Panera Bread, and Target. And of course a bunch of places I know of but don't want to hang out at: Auto Row, the gas station, and oh wait, the Mall, because I'll spend all my money.

The next two days were spent trying to apply to as many jobs as possible. I filled out about 5 or 6 applications before sitting back to survey my territory. My phone is my new best friend other than Warren. It has internet when my apartment has yet to get it set up because of the stupid Verizon people. It has email and messaging. Texting is a new delight. I feel so ashamed, but I do love it. :)

I hang at the college a lot just to get a sense of it and to be around nice people. I have discovered that I currently have no mailing address. Apparently the mailboxes at the apartment aren't used and I don't have one at the college...so I need to buy a P.O. Box. Another expense. This has been one EXPENSIVE life transition, but I think that it will e worth it. God wants me here. So therefore, it's going to be incredible. I just can't wait until I meet some friends. I miss everyone back in Maine. But I can't let that hold me back from making more friends. I must put myself out there and push past my natural reaction of: "Good golly, a person! Hide!"

Prayers would be appreciated and I appreciate the ones that have already entered the throne room. I really do. Pray that I will settle in and find friends and feel content. Pray that I'll find a job soon. Pray that I'll be able to sleep later than the sun's rising! haha, EVERY morning I wake up before the sun does!!!

Love in Christ,

Audge

Voiceless

2011-06-01T13:26:00.000-04:00

I have lost my voice. I have never had this happen to this extent. I can only rely upon the written word, because at it's loudest, my voice can currently croak out a harsh whisper. It's sort of scary. What would I do if this were my life? If this were how it was going to be? I rely so much on speech to get my point across. I use gestures and facial expressions, but they're nothing without my words.

I am also twenty-four today. I really never thought I'd get to be this age, not because I thought I'd die, necessarily (though I have wondered), but because I never really thought this far ahead. I figured that my life would be settled after I got my BA, and now I see that it seems to be just beginning.

I hope I've matured and changed for the better in this past year. I had a horrible period of darkness and only God got me through that, but I really do wonder if I've come away a better person. If anything, it underlined my desire to become a counselor so that I can give back the comfort that I have received from so many people.

Twenty-four. I think I assumed that I'd be married and perhaps have a child. But I do have time for that, just not right now. I do think that God didn't make me to be alone, but perhaps my other has been in Pennsylvania all this time, waiting for me too. :)

I'm so eager to go and get started on my Master's, since it will take three years to complete (if I can get into the third year, you have to apply after the first two), but at the same time, I don't want to leave everybody that I love. But the excitement outweighs the fear. I WILL go, and God will guide my steps while I am gone, just as he has for my entire life, even before I knew and followed him.

I would appreciate prayers during this time of change.

In Christ Alone,

Audrey

Thoughts on Psalms 1

2011-03-12T15:47:00.001-05:00

“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers” (Psalms 1:1).

How does one live in the world but not of it? By living in the world and among the lost, but not in their counsel, not taking their advice on spiritual matters. There is a distinction between our relationships with Christians and our relationships with those who are not Christians. We cannot have the same level of friendship with an unbeliever. It is not that they are any less worthy of our friendship, but that we are lacking the cross in common.

To give our heart to an unbeliever is unbelievably foolish. Though Christians can hurt us, we can point them to Christ. Unbelievers do not have the spiritual glasses to see where we are coming from, without the Spirit leading them they will misunderstand us every time.
Our delight is to be in the Word of God. It is through the Word that we grow, that our roots grow deep. Oh Lord, let my roots be deep in rich earth rather that shallow and stunted in sandy, rocky ground.

“He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Ps. 1:3).

Let me prosper in all that I do! Is that possible? God allows trials to strengthen our faith, so what does it mean to prosper in all that we do? This is in relation to bearing fruit and the leaves of our spiritual tree remaining unwithered. So, it only stands to reason that we would prosper in spiritual matters, not necessarily in the circumstances of life. As Christians, we will encounter darkness in our lives, but spiritually, we will prosper. We will endure.

The cause of this spiritual endurance? Not aligning our hearts with those that wish for us to fall and rather delighting and soaking up the scripture by meditating on it day and night.

Audrey E. Marquis

Praying for Israel

2011-02-13T16:58:00.000-05:00

So, I must admit to something. I have been avoiding learning about the trouble in Israel for a long time. In fact, I think one could say that I stuffed my fingers in my ears and screamed, “la la la!” I didn’t want to know about it, because I was pretty sure that what I learned would make me furious. And being furious does so sap my strength. But I picked up the latest copy of “Israel My Glory” (IMG) today. For anyone who isn’t aware of this publication, its missions statement is:

“Israel My Glory is the bimonthly publication of the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry, Inc., a worldwide Christian ministry communicating biblical truth about Israel and the Messiah, while fostering solidarity with the Jewish people.”

In any case, I read just two of the articles; one of them being about President Mahamoud Ahmadinejad (I had never heard his name before, which shows you how distant I was to this issue) and his crusade against the Jewish people. I read about his stunt at the UN in September, when he stated that:

“The United States was behind the September 11, 2001, attacks, Israel has no right to exist, and “All values, even the freedom of expression in Europe and the United States, are being sacrificed at the alter of Zionism.”” The Magic of Muhamoud, January/February 2011, Israel My Glory.

I believe that this man is the instrument of Satan and IMG states that he has “the aura of a rock-star.” This does not bode well, and I cannot believe that I allowed myself to remain in the dark about these issues for so long.

It struck me, as I was becoming filled with fury, that this man could cause the death of so many people, and I don’t want to pray for him! But…I must. My God demands that I continue in prayer for the peace of Jerusalem and for the future of our world (Ps. 122:6; Col. 4:2-3). The same God who I believe saved the soul of Jeffery Dahmer (he professed to being a born-again Christian in an interview a couple of years before his death) is able to save the soul of Mahamoud Ahmadinejad, even if he isn’t looking to be saved, and even if he thinks that he’s the one who can do the saving. I know it seems a hopeless cause, and I know it seems more than unlikely, but as my father just reminded me, Saul persecuted the Christians with just such fervor, and he later stated “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. (1 Tim. 1:15b)”

We must pray for men such as these. We are just as unworthy as they of salvation, and yet we have been given it freely. How can we judge another man’s servant and say that he is beyond reach? My God is a God of redemption, a God of amazing change, and He can work wonders.

A.E. Marquis

Wakescape Update

2011-02-08T17:25:00.000-05:00

As of right now, Wakescape will have 34 chapters plus an epilogue.

It covers a period of time from 2023 to at least 2028. I'm actually surprised by how long the story will last. I was planning on a shorter time frame, but this is more natural.

It has 4 parts- The first of which is pretty much the short story I got published. That part is called, "The Cure." The second part takes place about a year later, and is called, "Underneath the Committee's Skin." The third part is all in one point of view, and is called, "Paradigm Shift." The forth is called, "From the Other Side."

I'm fairy pleased with where this story is going. Right now, there are almost 200 pages and about 30k words. I'm thinking that it's a little over half-way done, but I'm not entirely sure. I have 4 chapters that are named, but have ZERO work done on them. I have several chapters that need A LOT of work. So...we'll see how long it takes.

I have it all organized into a huge binder with tabs and everything.

So. There you are. I hope to get this thing done and into editing mode soon! If anyone's interested in some HEAVY DUTY editing, then let me know!

Best Regards!

Audge

New Year Musings...

2011-01-17T18:39:00.000-05:00

At this moment, I am utterly in awe of who my God is. I've been reading Jerry Bridge's "The Pursuit of Holiness." Wow. What a reality check. There's a quote that I want to record here for posterity.

"Consider then His (Jesus') statement, "I always do what pleases Him (the father)." Do we dare take that as our personal goal in life? Are we truly willing to scrutinize all of our activities, all our goals and plans, and all of our impulsive actions in light of this statement, "I am doing this to please God" ?"

To be honest, I'm not sure that I am willing right this moment. But I want to be. As I'm considering a plan for my future, I AM asking God for His plan for me. I want to act in His wisdom, and not in my own impulse like I did last time. I know that he used it for His purposes, but I don't want Him to have to do that. I want to make the right choice for the right REASONS and MOTIVATIONS. God, that you would allow me to do that...for YOUR glory.

I am in awe of what God has given to me. Even in the midst of struggles with my physical health, he has never stopped teaching me to rely on Him. I only hope that I learn all that I can at this point so that I won't have to revisit this era in my life. BUT, if that's God's will...I will accept it when it comes. With His help. My flesh is so weak...in more ways than one.

I suppose that I am merely surprised that God has given me so many chances, and has blessed me so richly even though I fail So often. I suppose that my worthless shell is quite the vessel to showcase His glory. I praise Him for that, and for choosing me even though I had no merit of my own.

And then...the final bow.

2010-05-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

Graduation is in less than 5 days. I feel like I don't even care--but i do. I have been waiting for this since I entered college. Not that my journey is over, far from it. In fact, I have at least three more years of college left. One year getting my psychology classes and at least two years in grad school. So I'm nowhere near done. But this is a step. A BIG step.

I just finished my last paper. That was a thrill. I wanted to slack off on it, but my perfectionism wouldn't allow that. Plus, the saying that has been spoken to me for four years remains ringing in my ears, FINISH WELL, finish WELL, FINISH well. I must finish well.

God has changed me so much, but sometimes I feel like all that was a baby step. Just a tiny stutter toward where I need to be. I am so tired.

Here's a plus: More time to write my book! Maybe I'll finish it before I go back to class in September. Maybe not. Either way, it will be good.

Camp is this summer. SUPPORT STAFF!!! I never thought I'd step down from being a counselor, but this is definitely God's will. I don't have the energy to be a counselor right now, and I don't feel called. Those are definitely good reasons.

I'm praying for my fellow graduates. I have never fully appreciated the final semester and its woes.

Love to all!

Audrey

A segment from Wakescape on Faith

2010-04-30T15:54:00.000-04:00

"Then it occurred to me. I didn’t really believe anything would happen. What if I had to believe, like the children in Peter Pan had to clap if they believed in fairies? I would never get out of here. That part of the story always made no sense to me. Why clap? What does that prove?
As an adult looking back on the childhood tale, my mind began to work. What if the people had to clap, because it was such a silly thing that only someone who believed would do it? What if it was the acting in faith that the fairies needed and not the faith itself? I could believe that God would work, but if I just sat here doing nothing, there might still be doubt in my heart. Faith acted upon seemed more powerful than faith that remained unseen."

Wind-A Poem

2010-04-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

I feel Your touch
Caress my cheek
A fragrant breath
Of air
And though the darkness
Around me creeps
You, my God,
Have always been there.
A beam of sunlight
Hot and pure
Stretched upon
My weary frame
Your touch, Your grace
Is all, and more
To drive the darkness
Back again.

The Truth About Me- A Poem

2010-04-09T17:54:00.000-04:00

03-31-10

The truth about me
Is simpler than it seems
A girl fallen
From her dreams
Picked back up by
A hand larger than her own

The truth about me
Is richer than it should be
Deeper than it could be
Filled with truth I can’t
Quite contain

The truth about me
Is less than the me it’s about
Lost in certain doubt
Falling ever faster
Closer to my Master

The truth about me
isn’t about me at all

Not a great poem, but a good message.

Love to all!

Audrey

Reflection of the Past Five Years

2010-04-05T18:30:00.000-04:00

I'm a little over a month away from graduation. So odd. I never thought I'd get here. It's been five years since I graduated from High School. That alone changed my world--being released into quasi-adulthood. It was crazy. I've been looking back over the past five years and these are some things I've noticed about my journey:

-I have stayed in touch with ONE friend I had in High School. Karolyne Couch. She is very dear to me, and she's stuck with me through my depression and a very long distance friendship. She is my sister in all but name. I haven't talked to Gabrielle since before she got married. I have no clue where Jenna is. Emily is in...Arizona, I think? And Amanda has her own tattoo parlor, which is so cool, but I haven't talked to her for ages. It's weird. You say that you'll be friends for life...but then life comes between you.

-I have been on anti-depressants for about three and a half years. My life is forever changed, and not by the drugs, but by the darkness I felt before they began to work. I do not wish that upon anyone. But God had a purpose for me through that time. I would never have realized my calling to be a counselor if I hadn't felt the depths of depression. Now I long to help people who stand where I stood.

-I have gone to two colleges: The University of Maine at Farmington and New England Bible College. There could not be two more different schools. My year at UMF was so valuable. I would never trade it for anything. I loved that campus, I loved the spirit of the people, and I loved the English classes. I do realize however, that I am not called to be a teacher. It just isn't my passion and it just isn't what God has for me...not now, at least. I miss the campus atmosphere, the small town, the dorms, the community.

At NEBC, I found the worth of a small college, the value of classes with under six students. I love the professors and the faculty so much. They are family to me. I entered Bible College with the belief that I knew something about the Bible. Boy was I wrong. I knew nothing, and now I know only a little more. But I feel like I love God more, and God willing, I will love Him more each and every day.

-I have met a wide variety of people, from very liberal to very conservative. And yet, we all had something in common, especially the ones in my generation. We were all looking for the purpose of our life. The difference is that some of us have found it, and some of us haven't. Praise God He has shown me my purpose, and it is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.

-My writing has improved so much over the years, and I owe that to my writing teachers and my theology professors. They demanded perfection, and though I could not give it to them, the act of trying made me a better writer. I have to say though, I wouldn't have been prepared for their lessons if it weren't for my High School AP teachers, namely Ms. Doughty. She pushed me to be better, and her belief in me made me soar. I hope to fulfill her belief that she will one day hold a published work of mine in her hand.

-I have become more myself because of evens that broke my heart. I promised myself that I will never change myself for anyone but God ever again. Ever. And that promise led me to who I am and who God wants me to be. I'm weird. I'm crazy. I'm myself. And I thank God for the person He is making me into.

-I appreciate my parents and their home more since I have had to dwell with various families with varying success. I have felt like an outsider. I have felt unwelcome. I have felt judged. But I have always had a home to return to and parents that support me 100%. I praise God for that.

- I expected to find my mate in college, and as of yet, God has said no to that expectation. I do expect to one day be married--perhaps that is flawed thinking--but I truly believe that I was not made for life-long singleness. I think that I need a mate to help me in my ministry. However, God may prove me wrong and give me strength...or show me the strength I never knew I had. I am content with where I am, mate or no mate. My relationship with God is enough for me. It is my everything. I do confess that I become lonely--especially around the holidays--but that's to be expected. I pray that I can minister to single people with my ow singleness. And I know for a fact that God has given me this time to focus on Him without more distractions that I already have--school, work, family and ministry.

-Five years ago I was working at Camp Berea, and this summer I am working at Camp Berea. Three other summers of camp and one of work went in between, but I just find it poetic that my five years of college are book-ended between summers at Camp. This will be my ninth year with camp in my life. It has been such a blessing to me.

I rededicated my life to God on the dock at Camp Berea when I was sixteen. I thought I would never love God more than that night. Yet, that love is so pale in comparison to what I have now. And the love I have now is pale in comparison to what I will have tomorrow. And the day after. And until I go home to be with my King.

At Berea, I have learned to be a disciple and to disciple others. I have learned to cherish my moments alone with my Father. I have learned to listen to what people are saying when they aren't saying it. I've learned to read between the lines. I also learned to play pranks and tell exaggerated stories for fun. I've learned to perform. I think I've become a little bit of an attention hog because of the Week That Was Program at camp. I love getting a laugh. At the Spiritual Life Retreat Adam told me that I sought others' attention. I denied it, but I've had over a month to think on it...and it's true. Something to work on.

I am so grateful to all the people who have poured into my life while I was at college. I won't even bother to mention them lest I leave someone out. Praise God for you, praise God that you gave and never asked for anything in return! I thank God for you, even those of you who have hurt me dearly. My pain has made me a better person.

To my God: I cannot begin to thank you. You have rescued me from spiritual death and eternal punishment. You have redeemed my soul. You have loved the unlovable. You have made me whole when I was but a shell of a girl, worth nothing to anyone. How I love you! Let me glorify You in my life--it's the least I can do for what You've done for me. You are the love of my life, from the beginning of creation, before I was born, to the far reaches of eternity when I will still be abiding in your presence, where is fullness of joy. You are my Dear Heart, the Aslan to my Lucy.

In Christ Alone,

Audrey

New Beginning of Wakescape From Different Perspective

2010-03-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

Ryan only got seven shots of Wakesleep that day. That was the smallest amount they ever gave you. Poor sap would probably go home early and take an Ambien to shut out the feelings.
She licked the last bit of her cherry donut from her teeth and stroked her own belt-clip. Eleven vials of the precious drug. She was sitting pretty.
Vika watched him leave the Collection Point; let her eyes trail over him as he shuffled away on the split cement walkway. His own eyes were squeezed shut against the wind. She supposed that the wire-rimmed glasses did little to shut out the barrage of cold winter air. It was December.

I found some old story notes

2009-10-31T21:30:00.000-04:00

I was searching through a CDRW that I'd burnt a few years ago (before the lap top died) and I found my first version of the book (originally titled Finding Elder, and now Seasons of Falling). This is not Wakescape, this is my first book, my first love, the book I would love to see published one day. I thought I'd share a little of it with you. It started as a fantasy, with VERY odd names for the characters. Jin, Tsu (I use that one in Seasons anyway), Kaji, Kana (again, in Seasons) and Bren.
I think this stuff is hilarious, because I've come so far from this style. I don't even know how I ever thought this book would work...but at the same time, I want to go back and write the fantasy, knowing what I know now.

So, after no more delay, I give you SAMPLES OF FINDING ELDER:

At the moment, Jin Dukai was chomping away quite sorrowfully at a rather large box of chocolates. Odd, he not being inclined to such a show often. But then, today was a special day. After a few minutes of quiet gorging, he grew rather bored. So, he stepped up the pace. In a heartbeat, he’d managed to shove six into his mouth in one fell swoop and clamp his jaws shut, but then, sadly, he found that he could neither chew nor swallow. Oh, blast it. So, he attempted to open his mouth and spit the whole lot out the window, onto the grass, but…the caramel insides of the chocolates acted like a very strong glue and he couldn’t get his teeth to budge an inch. What a time he was having. Yes indeed.

Five minutes later, the village was treated to the sight of a boy of about seventeen flailing around the grass. Problem was, they had no idea what it was he was after, as it seemed he couldn’t open his mouth. Bren Striker happened to find the whole thing hysterical, and made it known by rolling in the grass and clutching his sides, helplessly overwrought with laughter. But then, he was Jin’s best friend, and that was the sort of thing best friends just had to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ever ridden a horse, mate?" Kaji shouted over the barrage of hoof beats.

"Never!" Jin laughed back, his arms wrapped around the beast’s neck, clinging like a monkey.

"Don’t worry!" Kaji called, coming along side him and grinning like a maniac. "You can’t even tell!" He kicked his heels in and urged his mount forward, moving as it moved, handling the reins like a pro. Jin narrowed his eyes and flagrantly mocked him behind his back. That done, he once again took to the task of staying semi-upright on this galloping monstrosity.

"Fool thing probably has fleas." The horse shied away from something, flying to the side unevenly, and after a moment Jin saw something in his peripheral vision. Tsu rode a black mare quite a bit bigger than the mare ridden by Jin himself, and she rode it with a scowl plastered to her normally aloof face. She seemed a bit tangled in the reins, but other than that, was faring quite nicely. He clung a bit more while she matched his horse’s pace. In a moment, she rode beside him, actually letting go of her reins for a moment and grabbing a big handful of the back of his robes with her leather-clad fingers. Tsu tugged, hard, until he was once again upright in the cursed saddle. Then, she spared a hand to regather her reins and used the other to help him find his own. That done, she sat back, not quite looking comfortable in the saddle, but at least looking better than he. She cuffed him on the back.

"Show no weakness." And with that, she kicked into Gallant’s flank and took off after Kaji. Jin muttered under his breath, but was intent upon riding straight-backed just like the two witty riders ahead of him. He kicked into his mount’s side and gritted his teeth in irritation.

"Come on! High Step’s your name, you fool thing. Live up to it!" He kicked again and was gifted a burst of speed that at least gave him the chance of catching up with the rest of the "squad" before they reached the canyon.

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“I see it now, you know.” He drew his knees up to his chest and held them there with his bare arms. He’d stopped shivering.

“What do you see?” She whispered, so worried she’d break the spell that had fallen over this place. Jin stared straight ahead, but he appeared to be looking through it all, and into something Tsu could not see.

“I see the path I’ve stumbled upon all my life. It was so terribly bent and broken…but there was something guiding it.” He turned distant eyes on Tsu. “Wasn’t there?” She swallowed and answered hoarsely.

“That’s how I see it now, yes.” He nodded in silent agreement.

“If Vertali hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have depended so much on Dad. And if he hadn’t died, I would have felt a link holding me back from ever leaving Begin’s Valley.” His voice was growing stronger, but a frown replaced the look of hopelessness. “And if Bren and I hadn’t grown apart, he wouldn’t have felt the need to make it up to me by paving my way out of the city when the draft came.” Tsu was nodding, seeing where he was going with this. She’d often considered similar thoughts on her own life.

“It seems now that there was a point to all the…wandering.” Her eyes held his.

“Yes. That’s it.” His face began to grow more animated, but still so very bittersweet. “Without every last bit of it, I wouldn’t have met Iarick, who led me to Kana, who led me to you, who led me to Kaji, who led me back to Kana again.” She saw it now. The beauty of a perfectly mastered plan. Each piece, when examined separately, seemed to be flawed and out of place, but when combined…it created the perfect cobblestone path. All it needed was something to hold all the pieces together. Something in control. But what? Could it really be Elder?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“But I saw it!” Jin raked his hands through his hair in anguish. The storm felt so much closer now.

“Saw what, mate?” Kaji knelt beside him, trying to understand.

“I saw…” Jin looked up at him, eyes wide and clear and distant. “I saw us. She and I. We were older, and we had a family! We were happy!” He looked down, at a loss for words that transcribed his feelings. “I dreamt it, Kaji! It was real!”

“Jin.” Kaji took a hold of his shoulder and didn’t let go. He steered Jin’s body until it was facing him. “Mate. Sometimes, a dream…it’s just a dream.”

“No!” Jin looked up at Kaji with tormented eyes. “It. Was. Real. It was! Nothing that beautiful could come from my mind alone!” And Kaji merely stared back at him, words caught somewhere between his diaphragm and his lips. But one thing was clear; He was looking at Jin with pity. And Jin Dukai was pitied by no man. And the storm came. And Jin broke down, right there in the middle of the street. Right there in the middle of a crowd of people who were ever pushing him in different directions. And Kaji was at a loss to help his friend at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my mind...from five or so years ago. It's odd to see where I was at that point.

~Audrey

THE END OF A DREAM

2009-10-22T19:46:00.000-04:00

I have decided that my focus, as of now, should be on school. So my dream of finishing the novel by January 1st is dead. I just can't do it, or rather, I COULD, but I shouldn't, because it would distract me from finishing well in school. I feel a little let down, BUT, I WILL finish it, just not that quickly.
Love to all!

83 Days

2009-10-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

My clock is ticking down...I am running out of time to finish my novel. Gah, deadlines are scary. I'm not sure I can make it, what with everything going on. But I shall try. I shall try very hard.
I am so tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for days. I suppose part of that is my health, and another part is the enormity of what I have to accomplish this week.
Man. Well, I press on.